December 17, 2016
I don’t think I’ve written in two years. I’ve started posts, tried to write but then just didn’t care enough to finish my thoughts.
Christof died Dec. 8th, two years ago.
In general, I’m good. I’ve come to terms with it and am basically a happy, optimistic person but there are nights like tonight where I just feel like feeling sorry for myself. Does that make sense?
Of course, he’s been on mind a lot and Facebook doesn’t help by reminding me with my past posts.
My cousin also died, last year on Christmas Eve. Even though we had our problems, she was like a sister to me and she is very much on my mind also.
I just came from a poker game. Just a home game with friends but I lost. Maybe that didn’t help. The host, Jim, was talking about planning the next game and I suggested having one on New Year’s Eve. He has plans. That kinda bummed me out too because I have no plans, no possibilities of plans and I thought he wouldn’t either. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not interested in him…he’s just a friend…but I thought since he’s single and doesn’t have family around, he’d be alone too. I guess it’s just me.
Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself. Is that okay? Is it okay to just stop trying to be happy for one night. Just for one night to stop repeating all the things I’m grateful for, to stop thanking the universe for all I have, to stop remembering how much better off I am than so many other people?
If you’re reading this and don’t know who Christof is…well that’s a long story. The short version is that he was my lover for four years. It was more than that though…he was my best friend. Our relationship was never going to go anywhere though, so being honest with myself, his dying ended a relationship that was never going to make me happy, but one that I could never end myself. I have a lot of conflicting feelings over him.
So, I’m having a drink…okay maybe two or three…and writing because it helps me feel not so alone…like maybe someone out there is listening to me.
I think my problem is that after two years, I’m ready for someone else. I’ve always had a guy or was dating but since Christof’s death, I couldn’t care less. I didn’t want anyone. For a long time, I was angry with the world…with everyone and everything. That passed and I felt happy but did not want to let anyone in my life.
Now I find myself thinking about how it would be nice to have someone. Watching movies and reading books about love. I’m starting to yearn for that romance again.
So, I’m sitting here, listening to music on a Saturday night at 10:30pm, having a drink…okay, another drink…and writing.
Tonight I’m allowing myself to feel sorry and tomorrow I will start again.