Feeling Sorry For Myself

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December 17, 2016

I don’t think I’ve written in two years. I’ve started posts, tried to write but then just didn’t care enough to finish my thoughts.

Christof died Dec. 8th, two years ago.

In general, I’m good. I’ve come to terms with it and am basically a happy, optimistic person but there are nights like tonight where I just feel like feeling sorry for myself. Does that make sense?

Of course, he’s been on mind a lot and Facebook doesn’t help by reminding me with my past posts.

My cousin also died, last year on Christmas Eve. Even though we had our problems, she was like a sister to me and she is very much on my mind also.

I just came from a poker game. Just a home game with friends but I lost. Maybe that didn’t help. The host, Jim, was talking about planning the next game and I suggested having one on New Year’s Eve. He has plans. That kinda bummed me out too because I have no plans, no possibilities of plans and I thought he wouldn’t either. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not interested in him…he’s just a friend…but I thought since he’s single and doesn’t have family around, he’d be alone too. I guess it’s just me.

Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself. Is that okay? Is it okay to just stop trying to be happy for one night. Just for one night to stop repeating all the things I’m grateful for, to stop thanking the universe for all I have, to stop remembering how much better off I am than so many other people?

If you’re reading this and don’t know who Christof is…well that’s a long story. The short version is that he was my lover for four years. It was more than that though…he was my best friend. Our relationship was never going to go anywhere though, so being honest with myself, his dying ended a relationship that was never going to make me happy, but one that I could never end myself. I have a lot of conflicting feelings over him.

So, I’m having a drink…okay maybe two or three…and writing because it helps me feel not so alone…like maybe someone out there is listening to me.

I think my problem is that after two years, I’m ready for someone else. I’ve always had a guy or was dating but since Christof’s death, I couldn’t care less. I didn’t want anyone. For a long time, I was angry with the world…with everyone and everything. That passed and I felt happy but did not want to let anyone in my life.

Now I find myself thinking about how it would be nice to have someone. Watching movies and reading books about love. I’m starting to yearn for that romance again.

So, I’m sitting here, listening to music on a Saturday night at 10:30pm, having a drink…okay, another drink…and writing.

Tonight I’m allowing myself to feel sorry and tomorrow I will start again.

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Who Am I?

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Last week, I decided to sign up for Blogging 101. Since I have been blogging off and on for a couple of years now, I thought this would give me the accountability that I need to write each day. Today’s assignment…Introduce Myself.

How do you introduce yourself? I can give you boring facts such as I am divorced with one daughter who is 30 years old and married. My parents have both passed away and I have no brothers or sisters. I was born in Germany, grew up in Montreal and after living in small towns in Northern Ontario, I am now back in a city again in Southern Ontario.

I can describe myself through some of the hardships of my life such as having a brace on my leg for a year and half from the ages of 10-12 or being married for 23 years in an emotionally, abusive relationship. Or I can you about the devastation of losing my best friend and lover, who died last December.

Perhaps telling you the types of jobs I have had over the years would give you some insight into who I am. Working in offices, sitting as President on several boards, owning a couple of businesses, being a tax preparer for over 25 years and teaching tax courses are just some of the jobs I have had.

I suppose what I write, should depend on what I want to achieve here. Do I want to give you a glimpse of myself or do I want to intrigue you to continue reading my blogs in the future?

If I want to tickle your interest, I might tell you about having both my hips replaced, my affair with a married man or working as a phone sex operator. I could tell you about growing up in Montreal and shocking my friends by going out with the leader of a motorcycle gang.

While I will write about all of these things, that is my past. Those are the things that made me who I am today.

Going forward is about my goals. As I sit here writing, I look up at my vision board above my desk. These are my goals for the future. Pictures of New York, London, Paris and Rome are just some of the places I want to visit. I want to buy a condo one day so I have a picture of a random building but then I have pictures of my dream home…290 West, Tribeca, New York. The penthouse is only $15,000,000! If you are going to dream, make it big!

My main goal though, is to be a professional poker player. The top of my vision board has “The path to the WSOP”, pictures of poker chips, 2016 WSOP and WPT…just some of the things to remind me of what I want to focus on.

Who am I? A happy woman with many life experiences behind her and looking forward to all the new adventures in the future.

Indecision

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Why do I have so much trouble making a decision? It doesn’t have to be important, it can be something very simple. In fact, the more important the decision, the easier it is for me to make.

When I got the idea to open my own business, I didn’t hesitate. Within one week, the idea came to be, I had decided on the name, found and rented store space, got my license and started gathering merchandise. I never doubted my decision.

Something simple though, like deciding whether to play poker tonight or not, has me changing my mind 10 times today. Why?

At first I thought that it’s so hot today, I’m just going to stay home. Then, as the day went on, I thought maybe I should go, I don’t feel that bad…actually I feel pretty good.

Then, I think…yes, but do I really care about going? Will I have fun? If I win, of course I will…although I’m not feeling like a winner today. Why go if I’m not feeling “the win” today? I should save my money and stay home. Besides, there’s lots of good TV shows on that I like tonight.

I should go though, because I haven’t been out today and it’s good to go out and be with people. Although, if I’m out early, I could be home in an hour. Spending all that time, getting ready, doing makeup and hair for a short time…not to mention driving 20 minutes there. So, what’s the point…I should just stay home.

Perhaps this all means, I just really don’t care one way or the other. So, if I don’t care, I’m back to the original question…should I go or not?

I’ll let the Universe decide. I’m going to play one quick poker game online right now. If I win, I’m going…if not, I’m staying home.

Well…I won. Guess I’d better hit the shower then, I’m going to poker!

Our Life’s Roads

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Growing up in Montreal, I expected to get married, have children and live forever in the city that I loved. Looking back, my twenty-year old self could never have imagined the roads my life would take. The Universe had other plans for me.

I met my husband at a bar in Montreal. He had attended the University of New Brunswick for Forestry a couple of years before, but dropped out. When I met him, he was a construction painter. As our relationship became serious, he decided to go back to University and become a Forest Engineer. That was the end of the Montreal road. We lived two years in Fredericton, New Brunswick, then 2 years in a little town, Nipigon, 15 years in Timmins and 8 years in Espanola…all in Northern Ontario.

My marriage road ended after 23 years when the emotional abuse worn me down and I just didn’t care anymore. I have a beautiful daughter though that makes it all worth while.

Single and on the dating road again, I became involved with several relationships over the years. First was a 6 month relationship with a gorgeous British man, living in Norway. Next was a 4 year relationship that resulted in me living in Pennsylvania most of the time, while trying to get a visa. Luckily, that never happened…another story for another time. As I sold the house in Espanola, the relationship in the States fell apart and I moved to here to Southern Ontario. The next important man on my relationship road was married. A 4-year affair ending with his death last December.

The professional road took me down many paths. I finished high school and worked at Sun Life Assurance Company in the Group Pensions Department until I got married. I loved working there. About 80 people in our department, working in downtown Montreal in a huge office building…I loved it.

New Brunswick resulted in taking a job at State Farm Insurance as an office clerk. When we moved to Nipigon, I worked for a short time as a teller at the Royal Bank. On to Timmins, where I started doing income taxes for H&R Block. Espanola brought the opportunity to open a Liberty Tax Service franchise of my own and also an artisan store, Skatter.

Over the years in Guelph, I have continued with taxes, both at Liberty Tax Service, H&R Block and on my own as AMD Tax Service. I also got my life insurance license and mutual funds license and worked for Primerica for a few years.

Selling is also in my blood. Starting with Avon when I was 18, I sold Tupperware, Sarah Coventry Jewellery, Michelle Lynn Jewellery, Regal, Princess House Crystal and Avon too many times to count.

Probably the most unique job I had, was working as a phone sex operator. All kinds of images crop up in people’s minds with that job but it really comes down to acting and keeping good records. Another post for another time.

Growing up, I used to play poker with my parents and grandmother. I have a picture of us sitting around the kitchen table with piles of pennies beside us. Poker was just one of the games we used to play regularly and I never thought of it as anything other than a fun game.

When I moved here to Guelph, I was invited to a poker game at a local bar. We played for points and the winner received a gift certificate from the bar. Now that I was living in a city again, it turns out there are lots of poker games around. Small ones, run in restaurants and bars where you play for points and prizes…to home games where we play for money…to the casinos nearby where the real gambling takes place…and then there is the online poker sites now where we can play for fun or for cash.

Poker is a part of my life now. Growing up, I would never have imagined myself playing at a casino for money, going on a poker cruise or winning thousands of dollars playing poker.

Sitting here, I wonder how many people look back in awe at the roads their lives have taken. How many people are exactly where they expected to be? Am I one of a few with all the twists and turns my life has taken? Have my life experiences given me more excitement than most? Would I have been bored if I was sitting in an apartment in Montreal, with a husband of 40 years and children grown?

Taking a moment to picture that scenario, I think I would have been happy with that life too.

Signs From Beyond

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When Christof passed away I was shocked…devasted. It happened way too fast. He got sick in October with what appeared to be a cold. He was diagnosed in November with lung cancer. The week before he passed away, the doctor told him that with treatment, he had maybe a year. Without treatment, two months. One week later he was gone.

When I was rational, I knew that it was good that he didn’t suffer for long and I knew he was in a good place. I don’t know what happens to us when we die, but I do believe that there is something else.

You hear stories all the time of people getting signs from their loved ones that have passed on. The first time I believe I was given a sign, was a couple of years ago. It was not from a loved one…it was actually from someone I had never met.

The first two years of my relationship with Christof, he was married. She was very sick and ultimately passed away. I was devastated. She was in a coma for about 5 days and I had a melt-down. I didn’t want anything to happen to her…I didn’t want her to die. I spent hours praying and sobbing uncontrollably. When she passed away, I was beyond distraught. I just felt so guilty for having an affair with her husband. For taking away time that he should have spent with her. I spoke to her spirit. I hoped she could hear me. I apologized over and over. I told her how much he loved her and that I meant nothing to him. I was not dealing with this well. I was feeling so overwhelmingly guilty.

A few weeks before the funeral service, the lamp beside my bed burnt out. It has a strange kind of light bulb and I was so overwhelmed by everything happening that I just ignored trying to find a replacement for it. I managed without the light.

The day of her service, I talked to her over and over again. Of course, I never went to the service but she was on my mind all day. That night, around 11pm as I walked into my bedroom, the lamp came on. I just stopped and stared at it. I wasn’t even near it. I believe she was sending me a message saying she forgave me. That lamp worked for about 3 more weeks before it burnt out again permanently. Very strange.

Christof didn’t believe in the afterlife. I had gone to see the psychic, John Edward and the last time I saw Christof, he was teasing me about whether I finally realized he was a fraud. When he passed away, I had so many conversations with him, telling me to send me a sign. I would tell him, “ You know now, that you were wrong and I was right. I want a sign.”

I believe I have received 3 signs from him. The first was at his service. For reasons, I won’t get into now, I stayed away from the family at the funeral home. The only important people I really wanted to see was his children, who had travelled in from Switzerland. After the service, I was outside saying goodbye to some of the poker people who had come, and all of a sudden, his children come walking out of the building. I got a chance to not only talk with them, but it was so much better than if I had talked to them inside with a lot of people around. I think he sent them out to see me.

The second time, I wasn’t really sure if it was a sign or not, but it was very strange. It was about a week later, I was sitting on my bed and then got up to go into the kitchen. About half way down the hall, I felt something on my rear-end and turned around to see a magazine on the floor behind me. It almost felt like I had been swatted on the behind. I said out loud, laughing, “If that’s you, then you have to do better than that.” I didn’t know exactly what it felt like. I thought maybe I had sat on the magazine on the bed and it stuck to me? It was December though…not a sticky, summer day…so it didn’t really make sense.

The third sign, left no doubt in my mind. I was getting ready for work and walked into my bedroom to get dressed. The dresser has two doors that open to reveal drawers. As I walked up to the dresser to get my underwear, hanging on the dresser doorknob was one of my thongs! There is no way it could have got there. None! I stopped dead in my tracks, staring at it. Then, smiling…with some tears…I said “Thank you. Thank you so much for sending me a sign.”

Some people believe in spirits, some don’t. One friend who does not believe, asked me why would he do that. I didn’t know…I hadn’t thought about it. Maybe because we had a great sex life, great chemistry…maybe because he loved me in a thong? I didn’t know. A few days later though, I realized why. By leaving my thong on the doorknob, I would know, without a doubt, that the sign was from him.

I Am Back

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Months have passed since the last time I wrote. I’m not even sure what I said but I know I do not want to read it again. For those that are new to reading my blog, the man I was involved with for 4 years passed away last December. It’s been hard since then but I think I’m finally starting to feel normal…and feel like writing.

It’s been a strange 7 months but I suppose there is no normal for grieving. I went through the anger and the sadness, the loneliness, the despair, the wondering what life is all about. The first 5 months, my answer to almost any question was “What’s the point, we’re all going to die”. Somewhere along the way, I realize I have stopped saying that.

I am the type of person who cries at everything. TV shows, game shows, commercials, songs…anything that is sad or happy. For about two months after he died, none of those things made me cry. I sat through a movie that normally would have had be sobbing, without a single tear. I was numb. I felt dead inside and the only thing that made me cry was when I thought of losing my best friend. Last night, I sat here watching America’s Got Talent and cried several times when an act got through. They cried with happiness and I cried with them. I’m back.

I gained 35 lbs since he died. Food was my only comfort and so what if I was blowing my diet? Who cared? We’re all going to die anyway. Well, I think I’m finally back on track having lost 7lbs this week. Not by going crazy and starving myself but my eating properly and actually wanting to lose weight and feel good about myself.

I don’t drink myself to sleep anymore, I don’t feel like drinking. Most times, the thought of a drink has no appeal whatsoever anymore.

I have goals. I am happy most of time and good things are happening. I will write often now, hopefully you will find my posts interesting 🙂 

Faking It

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It’s 4am and I am awake. I had posted on Facebook yesterday that I was angry and a friend responded asking if I was going to write to vent about it. Maybe it will help.

I’ve been feeling angry for about two weeks now. I guess it’s part of the grieving process. There is no reason for my anger…I just am. Any little thing sets me off. And in the midst of all this anger, I can burst into tears without any warning.

I feel lost in a way. What’s the meaning of life? Why are we here? What am I suppose to be doing? Why should I be happy? Who cares? Who cares…we could be dead tomorrow. I seem to be saying that a lot. Who cares…we could be dead tomorrow.

I feel like death is everywhere. I turn on the TV and the show is about someone dealing with a death. I talk to friends and they end up telling me about someone close to them dying. At work, clients are telling me of their loved ones that have passed. My best friend’s twin brother died last week.

Am I at the age now where I should be checking the obituaries to see who I know that has passed away? Will death become second nature? Will attending funerals be an event where I catch up with friends, socialize, check out who has the better food? I might be reading too many Stephanie Plum books where who grandmother seems to be going to a funeral service on a weekly basis.

I just watched an old episode of Golden Girls and find myself thinking how nice it would be to live with 3 other friends in a house in Florida. There would always be someone around. Someone there to talk to, to share your day with, a friend to help you through these crazy emotions. Maybe I want to escape?

I went to Omaha to visit a friend for New Year’s. I refer to it as when I ran away. Last week, at work, I was so frustrated with everything going wrong that I almost walked out. I kept thinking, I just want this to stop. I could walk out of here and just keep going and not come back. It would feel so good. The stress would be gone. I don’t want to deal with any of this. I was fighting to hold back the tears. In the end, I left and went to lunch, sat in the food court, gathered myself together and then went back to work.

A few days ago, I came into my apartment and I was so angry, I wanted to beat up something or hurt myself. Nothing had happened to set me off…nothing I can remember…but it was just boiling up inside of me. After hitting a few things, pulling my hair a bit and finally beating up my wall with a frying pan, the anger subsided.

Yesterday morning, the anger was there again. I got ready for work and as I was driving to Tim Horton’s for a coffee, I was just staring dead ahead. I felt dead. When I went through the drive-in and heard my voice ordering a large double, double, I was surprised at how normal and happy I sounded. Who was the person? It certainly wasn’t me.

I guess that’s where the saying “Fake it till you make it” comes in. I guess I’m good at faking it. I wonder how many of people we come into contact with every day, are faking it?

Two Months

Two months today that you left this world. I have been through so many changes. I am not the same person I was…maybe that’s good, maybe it isn’t. Maybe I’ll get over all this and go back to the way I was. Time will tell.

I know I don’t care as much about the little things or what people think about me. I remember one night about a year ago, we were playing poker and I was concerned about something you said that might lead the other players to think you were still married. I remember you telling me you didn’t care what they thought but I did. I don’t anymore.

I used to feel that if someone messaged me, I needed to answer them when I read it. Now I don’t. I used to feel that if I said I would phone someone, I had to. Now I don’t. I used to feel that if I missed someone’s phone call, I should phone them back. Now I don’t.

I’m tired of trying to be this perfect person who pleases everyone but no matter how much I try, it doesn’t make a difference. Who cares, we could be dead tomorrow.

I say that a lot now. You left me too quickly. I didn’t get to say goodbye. There was so much more I wanted to say. I thought we had more time.

I’m doing okay. I still think about you every day but I’m not crying…except for tonight. It’s been on my mind for days that today is two months. Two very long months. I miss you.

Red Flags

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It’s 4:30am. I woke up and now my mind won’t shut off. Thoughts of work, my to-do list and a few things about Paul keep creeping into my head.

Two things have happened this week that bother me. In the past, I would have made excuses for his actions. Told myself that I need to be reasonable and give the guy a break. In the past, I would have believed that I should give him the benefit of a doubt. In the past, I would have tried to keep positive thoughts. Not now.

Maybe it has to do with not wanting to be hurt again. Maybe, I am too jaded and not willing to trust anymore. Maybe I am just tired of waiting. I do know that after everything I went through with Christof, I expect more and am not willing to settle.

A few days ago, Paul and I were talking on the phone. We had been talking for a while when out of the blue, he says, “Can I call you back later?” Of course I said yes and he quickly said “Thanks, bye”.

I sat there feeling strange. It was abrupt and for a second, I wondered if I had said something or just bored him to death.

I knew his ex-wife was having problems and he was trying to help her with them. From the texts he sent me later, I realized that he cut our conversation short because she called. Immediately I was angered. I am not taking second place to any wife again. I don’t care is she’s sick, dead, alive, separated or divorced, I deserve more and will not settle for being second again.

I didn’t say anything…he’s got a lot going on right now and the timing wasn’t right. However, this is all too familiar. Christof had a lot going on too and I kept accepting that as excuses. It went on and on and I kept waiting. One thing would pass but then something else would happen and before I knew it 4 years had passed and now he’s gone.

Right now, Paul is visiting with his kids and he phoned me yesterday. The noise in the background sounded strange and I asked him where he was. He was in the driveway of his daughter’s house. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it but later I thought why would he go outside to call me? I supposed he wanted privacy but when I think back, all his phone calls to me are when he’s alone and he has never answered a call from me when he has been with his kids. Maybe it’s just coincidence, maybe it means nothing…but it bothers me.

I know the situation is not the same as with Christof. Christof was married for the first 2 years of our relationship before his wife passed away. Paul is not married anymore…but something still bothers me. Maybe he’s not ready to move on, maybe he’s just a private person or maybe there’s family dynamics I don’t know about.

What I do know is that I’m not waiting around to find out. I’m not walking away, but I am not holding out hope or expecting anything to come of this friendship. The only thing that will come from waiting is frustrating and unhappiness.

Time to look elsewhere.

Confused

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Men think women are hard to understand but I am baffled by men. If men say what they mean (we are told there are no mixed messages) then it shouldn’t be hard, right? Think again.

I should take a second to explain here that my relationship with Christof was not ordinary. He didn’t want a committed relationship and I could understand that, since he had spent so many years taking care of his wife. She was very sick before she died and I understood him wanting his freedom and not having any responsibilities again. Our commitment to each other was that neither of us would have sex with someone else. I guess you could say we went from having an affair to being friends with benefits. Anyway, because of this I was looking for someone who did want a serious relationship.

I had met Paul right after Christof’s wife died and I was not in a good frame of mind then. We had lunch a few times and talked on the phone but he told me that he felt I had unfinished business with Christof and he was right.

In the summer, I messaged Paul and he immediately responded, telling me how he had always hoped I would dump the other guy and contact him. I was over-joyed and he suggested we get together for lunch or dinner. Well, we still haven’t done that.

He keeps telling me he likes me, he’s attracted to me but I’ve barely seen him because of various reasons. We talk often, he calls, we text but he’s not really pursuing a relationship with me.

If we’re supposed to take men at face value…believe they say what they mean…then I do not understand. If he’s attracted to me, likes me, keeps telling me that we should go out, then why hasn’t he made it happen?

Yes, there have been reasons, some good, some I’m not so sure about…but it’s been months.

I know one thing for sure. A possible relationship with me is not a priority to him and I am not settling anymore or waiting around. Life really is too short and I’m not going to fantasize that maybe he is the one. I deserve to be cherished…and that’s who I am looking for.